Dealing with Despair: Mind Ease Guide to Managing Feelings of Despair and Hopelessness
Feeling hopeless and lost? Many of us go through this at some point in life. Find out how you can find new meaning and inspiration for the future.
We all struggle with feeling hopeless at times. Luckily, there are things we can do to overcome this, so that we can look forward to the future again.
What is the practical definition of despair?
Despair is defined as the complete absence of hope and it is one of the hardest emotions that we can experience. It is often accompanied by persistent sadness and debilitating fatigue, sometimes even by physical sensations of heaviness or pain.
We may develop a hopeless perspective on life for many reasons. It can be the result of major loss or change, such as a bereavement or a divorce. Or perhaps we feel like we’ve made an important mistake and we feel guilt or shame about our own behaviour. Sometimes, even just the accumulation of many different stressors can be enough to leave us feeling overwhelmed and demoralised.
Whatever the cause, despair can suck the joy out of our everyday lives, making the future appear bleak and meaningless. This may lead us to withdraw from activities that we previously enjoyed and make life generally appear less fulfilling.
As scary as it can be to experience despair, it is something that we all go through at some point in our lives – and there are things we can do to find hope again.
What is the meaning of despair?
Despair is more than just a bad mood or a short period of blues. In fact, if we consistently feel hopeless for more than two weeks, we may qualify for the diagnosis of major depressive disorder.
Depression usually comes with other symptoms as well, such as:
- significant weight loss or gain
- difficulty concentrating
- slowed movements or speech
- disrupted sleep
At its worst, despair can lead to suicidal thoughts or tendencies to harm ourselves in some way. In such cases it is crucial to seek professional help, such as from a therapist or a psychiatrist, to help you overcome hopelessness as soon as possible.
It is difficult to estimate what might be the exact cause of depression. Research shows that our genetics can influence our likelihood to become depressed. Past history of trauma, such as physical or emotional abuse, bullying, neglect or life-threatening accidents, can also increase our chances of struggling with low mood.
Moreover, it may be a consequence of medical illness, hormonal changes or substance abuse. Even the side effects of some medications can cause us to feel hopeless. That’s why it’s always a good idea to consult your physician about how you’re feeling.
Unfortunately, estimates suggest that the incidence of depression has increased over the last 30 years, especially in higher income countries. The provision of treatment has not caught up with this – globally, only about one third of all depression sufferers receive treatment.
How to deal with sudden feelings of despair?
1. Replace overthinking with taking action
Hopelessness gets intensified when we spend a lot of time in our heads. We may be spiralling into negative thoughts and asking ourselves questions such as:
- What if this never gets better?
- What if I never feel happy again?
- What if my life is ruined forever?
While it is natural to ask those questions during hard times, they don’t tend to be very helpful. Visualising catastrophic scenarios can lead to overwhelm, panic or a complete loss of faith that things could get better for us again. This can even turn our hopeless thoughts into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To combat this process, try to spend less time in your thoughts and more time participating in the outside world. Try asking some of these questions instead:
- What’s one small step I can take today to make my life better?
- What’s something I can do to help someone else?
- How would I behave if I felt less hopeless?
- What hobby, sport or creative activity could I do to lift my spirits?
Doing activities when we feel hopeless can be much easier said than done. However, once we get going, we may be surprised at how quickly we can feel a bit better.
To make this easier, try focusing on just the next small action right in front of you, such as:
- Getting out of bed
- Drinking a glass of water
- Taking a shower
If you don’t know what activities to do, you can start by doing anything that distracts you from your negative thoughts. That can be as simple as watching a movie or listening to music.
When you find a bit more energy, you can also try some of these ideas:
- Spend a bit of time in nature
- Cook a nourishing meal
- Sign up to an exercise class
- Join a volunteer group
- Take a trip to visit a new place
As we spend time on meaningful activities, we often realise that our feelings are not facts. We may think that activities won’t be enjoyable and there’s no point in trying – and yet, if we adopt a bit of a “fake it till you make it” attitude, we may soon discover that we’re having a better time than we expected.
It can be surprising how much our mood improves during meaningful activities. In contrast to our hopeless moments, we may feel like a whole different person!
2. Look for new meaning
On our hardest days, we may feel like we have no meaning in life. Perhaps we have lost someone very important to us, or we can no longer do the things we loved to do in the past.
To seek solace, try searching for new meaning:
- Can you use this experience as a source of growth?
- Does it give you new insights that you could use to help others?
- Do you feel even mildly drawn to any new people or endeavours?
Take small steps to follow your positive instincts – this will help you explore how you could rebuild your identity after a crisis.
In fact, there is a whole school of therapy based on this idea. It’s called logotherapy and it was founded by Viktor Frankl after he survived a concentration camp. It’s hard to imagine a more hopeless scenario! Yet in those dreadful conditions, he kept asking himself if there’s a way in which his suffering could help others in the future. And it certainly did – his book Man’s Search For Meaning has inspired millions around the world.
There may be a way in which this difficult experience leads you to something even better and more meaningful than you could previously imagine.
3. Don’t suffer alone
When we are struggling, it can be tempting to avoid other people and to spend most of our time in solitude. Perhaps we don’t want others to see us tearful or fatigued. Maybe we have been unable to take care of our appearance or to keep our space tidy and organised. We can be scared of how others will respond to our hopeless perspective. All of these feelings are normal during times of despair.
However, loneliness and isolation will probably make us feel worse. As hard as it can be, reaching out and allowing ourselves to lean on others can be incredibly healing.
By opening up and allowing ourselves to be seen as we are, we can connect with others on a deeper level and achieve a powerful experience of compassion and shared humanity.
Asking for help is a challenge for many of us, especially if we have been brought up to be independent, self-sufficient and not to “burden” others with our needs. Getting the support of a therapist or a psychiatrist can help us overcome any tendencies to shut down and stay isolated.
Sometimes, others don’t reach out to us during difficult periods because they are worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. That’s why it can help to let others know what you might need and how they can support you. Sometimes, even just a quick text saying that you miss someone – and that you could use a conversation, or a hug – can be life-changing.
People around us can also be a valuable source of practical help and encouragement during distracting activities. Perhaps you can ask a friend to go to the gym with you, or make a commitment with your sister to learn a new musical instrument.
If you feel like there is nobody to reach out to, we strongly recommend calling your local crisis helpline. These are usually anonymous and run by trained mental health professionals that can help you in acute crisis.
Sometimes just letting it all out, even with a strange over the phone or email, can do wonders for our mental health.
Constant feeling of despair: Long term approach to managing difficult emotions
Sometimes we may feel like despair comes to us repeatedly and for no obvious reason. If you struggle with such feelings long-term, it’s important to try the help of a mental health professional. They may be able to prescribe you an effective treatment or refer you onto clinical studies for novel methods that could give you emotional relief. You may also find research into new treatment at the psychology and psychiatry departments of your local universities.
Importantly, do your best to steer clear from coping mechanisms that help in the short-term but harm in the long run. This can include excessive consumption of alcohol and drugs, significant disruptions to your food intake or developing the habit of physical self-harm. While these behaviours can sometimes provide immediate relief, they lead to secondary problems, which can make you feel even more hopeless in the future.
Instead, seek out healthy habits that can support the wellbeing of your body and mind. For example, cultivating a regular routine of exercise, nutritious meals and a good sleep hygiene can go a long way in preventing our mood from dropping too low.
You can also learn how to manage inactivity and hopelessness in the Mind Ease app.
