Six Ways to Communicate More Assertively

The way we communicate is often closely entangled with our emotions. When we’re feeling anxious, it can be difficult to express ourselves clearly, which in turn can lead to more anxiety. Although it can depend on the situation, most people have a typical “default” style of communicating when under stress, and sometimes our default style is not the most helpful.

Ineffective communication styles

Aggressive: For some of us, stress can cause us to lash out at others. While there are obvious examples of aggression, like physical aggression, yelling, and using insults and blame, it can also include subtle things like telling people they are wrong, rolling your eyes, or saying things like “you wouldn’t understand”.

Passive: Some of us tend to prioritise the needs of others at the expense of our own. This involves consistently keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves to avoid creating conflict and focusing on pleasing others.

Passive-aggressive: Sometimes we might hold back from direct confrontation, and instead express ourselves indirectly. This can involve saying nasty things about someone behind their back, giving back-handed compliments or insulting someone in a “joking” way, ignoring someone or giving short responses, or even posting something aggressive on social media.

While these communication styles are often automatic and might sometimes feel helpful, they each have costs in how they affect our relationships and wellbeing. In contrast, assertive communication allows us to express our thoughts and feelings with confidence, while also being respectful of the thoughts and feelings of others.

How to be more assertive

1. Use ‘I’ statements

It can be helpful to begin your sentences with “I” – “I feel…”, “I think…, “I don’t understand why…” etc. This helps to frame the situation from your perspective and sounds less like you’re attacking or blaming the other person. It is easier for someone to argue something presented as a fact (e.g., “you don’t care”) than it is to argue something presented as your experience (e.g., “I feel like you don’t care”).

2. Be direct and honest

Trying to sugar-coat things can sometimes make the situation worse. Being direct and honest is usually more respectful than covering things up. There are tactful ways to go about this – again, framing things from your perspective is often helpful, as is avoiding unnecessarily harsh language.

3. Perspective taking

Understanding others perspectives can help you to consider the best way to communicate your perspective. It can be helpful to explicitly acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings (“I understand that you are feeling…”) – this can help them be more receptive to your perspective and allow you to solve problems together.

4. Avoid self-blame

Just as it’s good to avoid blaming others, it can also be important to not say things in a way that places unnecessary blame on yourself — for example “I shouldn’t have let that person take advantage of me”. Instead of blaming yourself, you could acknowledge how you feel and how you might grow from the situation. While it is usually good to take honest responsibility for your mistakes, many people have a tendency to over-apologise. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, and there is often no need to be sorry for expressing yourself.

5. Offer compromises

The goal of communicating assertively will often be to find a solution to a problem that considers your needs as well as the other person’s. Sometimes this might require that you meet somewhere in the middle. It can be helpful to enter a conversation with a willingness to compromise, along with an awareness of your boundaries. Others will respond well if they can see that you are considering their needs.

6. Be calm

It can be hard to communicate clearly if you’re feeling angry or really anxious. Take a moment to breathe or let the person know that you will talk to them once you have calmed down. Mind Ease has a range of short exercises to help you feel calm. If confrontation itself makes you feel anxious, sometimes it can be helpful to start with expressing small concerns and gradually build up the confidence to address the bigger concerns.

Ineffective communication styles are often built up over a lifetime and can be really challenging to break. At first, assertive communication can feel confronting. Like most things, it gets easier with practice, and you don’t have to get it perfect right away – you might start with some reflection of previous interactions and how they might have gone differently, and then work-in small changes to your day-to-day interactions. If anxiety is impacting your communication, it might help to start by talking about anxiety. Being assertive will help other people understand your perspective and improve your relationships and wellbeing.