How To Help Someone With Anxiety
It's normal to feel a bit lost when a loved one is experiencing anxiety. However, there are some useful ways you can help without putting too much pressure on yourself.
When a loved one is experiencing anxiety or other mental health difficulties, it can be really hard to know what to do. You care about them, you don’t want them to be hurting, but you might not know what to say, or you might even feel reluctant to say anything.
It’s normal to feel a bit lost in these situations, particularly since many people have a limited understanding of anxiety. However, there are some useful ways to give support without putting too much pressure on yourself.
How do I know if a loved one is experiencing anxiety?
While they may tell you outright, anxiety and mental health difficulties are often really hard for people to talk about. That’s why it can be good to be receptive when people tell you that they are feeling anxious—even if it is a passing comment—and give a helpful response (more on this later).
It is also common for people to not recognise anxiety within themselves or to not open up about it at all. This means that you might not know if a loved one is struggling, or the extent of their struggle.
It might help to be aware of some of the signs that someone is experiencing anxiety. It can look different for everyone, but appearing withdrawn, agitated, or more emotionally sensitive are common.
It can be as subtle as feeling like something is not quite right with that person—they aren’t themselves. If you notice anything like this, or even if you’re not sure, it’s often a good idea to reach out and ask if they are ok.
How do I respond when someone tells me they are anxious?
Imagine: you haven’t seen your friend in a while, you’ve invited them to parties, but they’ve had an excuse not to come every time. You’re feeling concerned and maybe a little frustrated.
You decide to reach out and ask what’s going on. They say, “I’m sorry, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable around other people lately, and it’s hard to leave the house”. What do you say?
Here are some responses that are likely to be unhelpful:
❌ “It can’t be that bad, you’re overthinking it.”
Someone might feel anxious about something that you don’t think is a big deal, and it’s natural to want to point this out. The problem is that this might send a message that their feelings aren’t valid and can cause people to feel judged or misunderstood.
❌ “Oh yeah, I feel like that all the time.”
While it can be good to show that you understand and relate to their experience, this requires some tact. It’s often not useful to imply that your experience is the same as theirs, especially if you are functioning well and they are not. Even if you feel that you’ve been through something similar or potentially worse, you still don’t know exactly what it’s like for them.
Saying that you have experienced similar things is usually fine, as long as you also acknowledge the unique challenges they are facing. Remember, mental health is subjective, and the conversation is about them.
❌ “You just need to chill out.”
If only it were that simple! People generally don’t want to feel anxious—if they could stop it, they would. Even though you mean well, this statement can cause a person to feel frustrated.
❌ “There’s no need to feel uncomfortable. It could be worse.”
This kind of response can send the message that “it’s not ok to feel how you feel”. If someone is feeling a certain way, then there is a reason for that feeling. Even if you perceive the situation differently, this feeling is their current reality, and it’s ok for them to express that.
❌ “Just come out, you’ll be fine. You’ll feel better when you get there.”
You might feel that if the person were to do the thing they fear, they would realise it’s ok and feel better. While this could be true, saying this without offering support can cause them to feel like you are trivialising their struggle. Taking an action is likely to feel so much bigger to them than it does to you.
❌ “If you can’t get over this, you’ll lose your friends.”
You might feel tempted to point out the potential negative consequences of their current behaviour. However, this kind of response is likely to cause the person to feel more fearful and guilty, and less likely to open up.
❌ “Have you tried… [some technique]?”
While giving recommendations and advice can sometimes be helpful in certain contexts, it’s often not the best approach initially. It’s common to want to offer something practical to help them. However, if this is the first time you’re hearing about your friend’s difficulties, chances are that listening to them is going to be a lot more valuable than offering solutions (especially since there is no solution that works for everyone).
At this point you might be wondering “If I can’t say any of this, what can I say!?”
Here are some responses that are likely to be helpful:
✔️ “I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this, it sounds like you’re having a tough time.”
This response shows that you care about their experience and you understand that it’s difficult for them.
✔️ “I’ve struggled with similar feelings before and I know it can be difficult, although it’s hard to imagine what you’re going through.”
A statement like this can show that they are not alone, while also letting them know that you care about their unique experience.
✔️ “Can you tell me more about what that’s like for you?”
Asking the person to explain more about their situation and feelings can be a good way to show that you want to understand and that it’s ok for them to talk to you.
✔️ “I understand that you’re feeling uncomfortable, it makes sense that you haven’t wanted to come along if you’ve been feeling that way”
Allowing people to feel heard and validated can help them to feel more comfortable opening up to you.
✔️ “Would you feel better if we went to the party together, and only stayed for a little while?”
It can be helpful to offer some options that may make it easier for the person to do the thing they are avoiding. If they say no, respect their choice, but let them know that the option is still there if they change their mind—or to let you know if there is another way you could help.
✔️ “I know it’s hard, what might be the upside of coming to the party?”
Rather than pointing out what they might lose if they keep avoiding something, it can be helpful to prompt them to think of what they would gain if they did do it. If they have trouble thinking of the upside, you could highlight a positive—e.g., “Everyone would be so happy to see you”.
✔️ “What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself right now?”
Often when people are experiencing anxiety, they may not be doing a lot of self-care. It can be good to check in to see if they have some helpful coping strategies, or to remind them of some. Rather than making a recommendation, you could follow this up with “what do you find relaxing?” and encourage them to do more of that.
Above all, the most useful thing you can say to someone who is struggling is:
✔️ ✔️ “I am here for you.”
It’s simple, and it might not feel very productive to say, but letting the person know that you are there to listen and support them can be really powerful. Research shows that social support is as important for health and wellbeing as exercise or not smoking.
How to help someone long-term
If someone you care about is experiencing long-term struggles with their mental health, it can be good to give ongoing support. Check-in with them regularly to see how they’re doing. This doesn’t only mean spending time with them, but specifically asking them about their difficulties.
Sometimes people worry that if they bring something up, it’ll make it worse. In fact, the opposite is usually true—encouraging people to talk about their mental health, even if it’s uncomfortable, often ends up being a big relief for them.
If it’s someone that you’re really close to, it can be good to be mindful of what might be reinforcing their feelings of anxiety. This way, you can make sure that you are not feeding into these reinforcements.
For example, someone who always catches spiders for their partner who is terrified of them is inadvertently helping that person to avoid that fear. It might not matter so much with spiders, but it might be worth evaluating whether your behaviours are reinforcing someone’s avoidant behaviour.
If you notice this, first of all, you are doing it because you care and that’s ok! But a better way to help your loved one might be to think of ways to support and empower them to work through their challenges. This is particularly important for children.
At the same time, remember that it’s not all on you. The more support that your loved one has from different people, the better you will both cope.
It can be good to encourage them to seek support from a mental health care professional. This can be a tricky conversation. Rather than directly saying “you need professional help”, you could say something like “I’m concerned about you and want you to get the most support you can… how would you feel about talking to a doctor or psychologist?”
If they are resistant to seeing someone, you could see how they feel about less confrontational options to begin with, like trying out some techniques for managing anxiety at Mind Ease.
Caring for yourself
When someone you love is struggling, it’s easy to overlook your own mental health. Most people tend to put loved one’s needs before their own. But here’s the thing—you will be less effective at helping them if you don’t take care of yourself.
Ensuring that they have other support would be a good place to start. This will help you take time for yourself when you need to (and you will need to). Regardless of what is going on for them, it is often necessary to put some boundaries in place and to regularly practice self-care.
