How to Manage Differences of Opinion with Friends or Family
Sometimes we might experience anxiety or relationship tension when our beliefs clash with those of a loved one. Here are some ideas that might help to balance this conflict.
People have lots of different opinions about lots of different things. Bringing different experiences and perspectives together often helps us to change and grow as people and societies. It is common to encounter disagreements with people close to us on various topics, and these disagreements can be harmless or even productive.
However, sometimes we might experience anxiety or relationship tension when our beliefs clash with those of a loved one, particularly when we feel like we’re not being heard, or if we believe that their views may be harmful. It is completely understandable to feel this anxiety – these situations can present a conflict between different things that are important to us: our relationships and our other values. Here are some ideas that might help to balance this conflict.
Ask questions
Natural responses to opposition are often to either become defensive and try to forcefully get your point across, or to withdraw from the situation and feel that you haven’t expressed yourself. Alternatively, questioning a person about their beliefs can help you to understand why they think the way they do and can deepen the conversation much more effectively. It can be easy to automatically think that someone who believes the opposite to you is naïve or close-minded. However, if you dig a bit deeper into what is underlying that belief, you might find that there is more to it than you thought, and you might even learn something. If not, perhaps your questioning will prompt them to reflect on their beliefs.
questioning a person about their beliefs can help you to understand why they think the way they do and can deepen the conversation much more effectively.
Asking questions and really listening to the responses is a good way to keep the discussion respectful. While you still don’t have to agree with them, you might discover that your beliefs are more aligned than it initially seemed.
Find common ground
With many controversial issues, the underlying intentions of those on either side can often be very similar. For example, those who are for or against vaccinations usually care equally as much about the health of society. Being aware of this can foster understanding and compassion. Even if their underlying concern is different to yours, you can usually find at least one thing you agree on if you explore the topic more deeply. Identifying and acknowledging your points of agreement can help to build trust and progress the conversation more productively.
Identifying and acknowledging your points of agreement can help to build trust and progress the conversation more productively.
It can be interesting to note that many people discuss topics as if there are two distinct sides – but most of the time things are not this black and white. Often, common ground can be found in the grey area, and uncovering these complexities can be useful for both of your understanding.
Care for yourself
Having disagreements with people you care about can be really stressful and draining. It’s good to respect others’ boundaries, as well as your own. It’s ok to disengage from conversations if you need to, especially if the other person is being particularly pushy – you could say something like “I really care about your thoughts on this, but I’d rather not get into it right now”, and then return to the conversation when you’re feeling more comfortable. If you really want to share your thoughts but feel that the other person is not listening, you could say something like “It’s ok if we don’t agree, but it would mean a lot to me if you heard my views on this”.
It’s common to feel a lot of pressure to convince the other person of your beliefs – that pressure could come from yourself or others. However, sometimes trying to persuade others involves more stress than it’s worth, especially when the person is very set in their views. If you can recognise when this is the case, this might help you to practice some acceptance and take the pressure off yourself — it’s ok if for the person to have their beliefs, and it’s not your responsibility to change their mind.
it’s ok if for the person to have their beliefs, and it’s not your responsibility to change their mind.
Try thinking about what matters most – often keeping a good relationship with that person is more important than convincing them, and your mental health can be even more important. Be honest with yourself and your loved one – it can be good to remind them that you care, and to keep in mind that their disagreement does not mean they don’t care about you. Mind Ease can help you to feel calm and learn how to practice self-compassion.
