▶ Self-compassion: The Unexpected Power of Being Kind to Yourself
It's important to reflect on how we treat people around us. At Mind Ease, we think there is one special person we should be extra kind to - ourselves.
Self-compassion is an increasingly popular practice from positive psychology and it is definitely worth the hype. It refers to the ability to treat ourselves with empathy and care, particularly when we think about our imperfections, our failures or any difficult events that may have happened to us in the past. In a way, we are learning to approach ourselves as if we were our own best friend.
When we struggle with our mental health, it can feel like the last person we want to be nice to is ourselves. We may often be critical of our inadequacies or past mistakes. We might be taking care of everyone around us while neglecting our own needs. And we may even believe that this approach is the preferred one and makes us better people. However, research shows that learning to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves can actually be a superpower.
The science
One of the leading researchers on this topic is Dr Kristin Neff, who has published scientific studies showing the many benefits of building a self-compassion practice. For example, in one study, eight weeks of self-compassion training led to a significant increase in wellbeing that persisted even a year later.
Another study found that just three weeks of training could improve body satisfaction and self-worth among women for several months. Other authors have also confirmed these helpful effects, including decreased levels of anxiety and depression that persisted after the training ended.
Who knew that being nice to yourself could be so revolutionary!?
How can you develop self-compassion?
Being kind to ourselves can be a lot easier said than done, especially if we have been self-critical most of our lives. Luckily, simple practices exist that you can start using straight away.
While it may feel difficult at first, the more often you try, the quicker you can rewire your brain for a more sympathetic attitude.
One of the fundamental strategies is practicing kind self-talk. In the Mind Ease app, you can learn this using the Self Compassion activity in the Explore section. It encourages you to reflect on a difficult situation that recently happened to you and to describe the thoughts, feelings and physical sensations you experienced in it.
For example, maybe you made a mistake at work and your boss got upset with you. You may have felt anxious, experiencing thoughts like “I am so stupid!” or “They are going to fire me!”. This may have been accompanied by unpleasant physical feelings like a fast heartbeat, sweaty palms and a headache.
Situations like this happen to all of us!
Once you describe what it was like for you, Mind Ease encourages you to write a message to yourself as if you were talking to your best friend.
What would you tell them if they were sharing this experience with you?
Chances are you would be able to find a compassionate perspective. Perhaps you’d say something like “I’m very sorry this happened to you. I know you are capable and hard working and I’m sure you will be able to resolve this issue with your boss.”
Once you write the message, imagine saying that to yourself. This may feel unnatural, but again – the more you practice, the easier it will become to adopt a more charitable perspective on your struggles. Eventually, you can learn to give yourself support in this way automatically whenever a difficult situation arises.
Another important part of self-compassion is developing a sense of common humanity. This means reminding yourself that we are all vulnerable and we all struggle sometimes. Everyone in the world, from your next-door neighbour to the prime minister – or even Beyoncé – knows what it’s like to feel anxious, stressed, insecure, awkward or angry. While we don’t often share these feelings publicly, everyone knows them, no matter how perfect their life looks on Instagram. So during your practice, try including gentle reminders like “everybody feels this way sometimes” or “it’s only human to make mistakes”.
The third pillar of self-compassion is cultivating mindfulness. This is the ability to notice when you are suffering and to explore your feelings without catastrophising them. While this might seem a bit abstract, the best way to try it is by following a guided meditation. This can help you ground yourself, focus on your breathing and slowly imagine taking a warm, non-judgemental attitude towards your experiences. You can even try some self-soothing touch, like softly stroking your arm or giving yourself a hug, which can provide comfort in difficult situations.
Why is self-compassion so helpful?
Scientists believe that one of the important effects of self compassion is the reduction of automatic negative thoughts. These make up the critical chatter in the backs of our minds that we may not even be aware of. They are often subtle remarks like “I’m such an idiot!” or “I can’t believe I said that!”.
Over time, such statements can become habitual, worsening our self-esteem and wellbeing. But when we regularly practice self-kindness, our automatic thoughts can gradually become more and more accepting.
Some may argue that being kind to oneself could lead to complacency and lower motivation for personal growth. Interestingly, research shows that self-compassion could actually help you improve at the skills that are important to you. Dr Kristin Neff suggests that this may be because we learn to ask ourselves “What is good for me?”, instead of “Am I good enough?”.
Cultivating a caring attitude to your mind and body can motivate you to build healthy habits and to look after yourself the way you need.
As the renowned psychologist Carl Rogers put it: “The paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
While it might seem unusual and difficult at first, self-compassion can offer significant benefits to our mental health. If you feel like strengthening this mental muscle, go ahead and try it in the MindEase app!
