4 Helpful Strategies For Young People with Social Anxiety

We all experience social anxiety at times – feeling nervous when giving a presentation or worrying about a joke we said to a new friend. However, for about 1 in 10 people, it can be so frequent and persistent that everyday interactions become a struggle. When this happens, it may be the case of a social anxiety disorder.

Social anxiety often starts early in life – research shows that about half of all disorders develop by the age of 11, and the majority start by the age of 20. This shows that children and young adults are particularly vulnerable to developing this condition while they are learning to navigate social situations. And in this day and age, social media can make things worse.

Luckily, effective help exists. Here are four useful strategies based on the newest scientific research.

1. Be kind to yourself 

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up about having social anxiety. Cultivating self-compassion can be a superpower for overcoming many mental health problems. 

While it may be difficult at first, try talking to yourself like you would talk to a loved one who is struggling with something. Practice saying gentle statements in your mind that express support and care. Here are a few suggestions:

• It’s okay to be scared. 
• Everybody gets scared sometimes.
• I am strong and brave. 
• Things will get easier with time. 
• I can get through this.

It can feel unnatural at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become. When saying these statements, you can also add a soothing action – for example, stroking your arm or giving yourself a hug. This can help you cultivate warmth towards yourself.

2. Set small goals and celebrate

Anxiety can make it very tempting to just avoid socialising altogether. You might be disconnecting from friendship groups, skipping sport or leisure activities that you previously enjoyed or avoiding interacting with anybody new. 

However, avoiding social activities often makes things worse in the long run. It can make us feel lonely and disconnected from the world.

To overcome anxiety, it can be really helpful to build new, positive experiences with others.

Each good experience allows the brain to slowly “retrain” itself and to learn that socialising is safe and enjoyable. By avoiding social situations, we don’t give ourselves a chance to have a good time and build our confidence.

It can help to set small, achievable goals to gradually face the situations you fear. For example, you might try to spend 5 or 10 minutes talking to a group of friends after school. Knowing that you don’t have to be there for longer can make it easier to join in. Once you manage that a few times, you can try aiming for longer periods of time.

Similarly, you can start with saying just one or two sentences to a new person that makes you nervous. Once that becomes easier, you can aim for more. 

After each small step is accomplished, make sure to celebrate! Give yourself praise for facing your fears one step at a time – because each step counts on the way to a happier social life. Ice cream, anyone?

3. Practice attention training 

Social anxiety can place too much focus on inner sensations, thoughts and feelings. For example, how sweaty your palms are, how tense your legs feel or whether the thing you just said sounded clever or stupid. 

However, when we focus so much on our own experience, it can make us overestimate how anxious we seem to others. We may even create an exaggerated image in our minds of how shaky/sweaty/blushed we appear. In reality, your anxiety may be barely noticeable, if at all! And even if others can see it, they probably won’t have a problem with it and nothing bad will happen.

When you are in social situations, try focusing more on the world around you. Try paying closer attention to other people’s expressions, words and behaviours. 

In particular, it’s often helpful to focus on positive signs from others, such as smiling, eye contact, friendly tone of voice or relaxed body language. This can help you notice when others are having a good time with you! 

It also allows you to be more present, which can help those around you feel comfortable and appreciated. You may even notice that other people can be a bit nervous too – it’s a human experience that we all go through sometimes and that’s okay. 

Make it a challenge for yourself to write down any positive signs you noticed in each social interaction. For example, you could say: “Today I briefly spoke to Alice after school and she was very friendly. She smiled at me and offered to lend me her book.”

These reflections will strengthen your positive memories. And the more you focus on the good times, the easier it will be to feel comfortable in other people’s company.

4. Beware of safety behaviours

Safety behaviours are habits that can help you get through social situations momentarily but they might cause other problems in the long run. 

For example, a common strategy is to spend a lot of time rehearsing the exact things to say in a conversation. The goal might be to prevent awkward silence or to avoid saying something inappropriate. However, this can end up taking a lot of time and energy, and if you aren’t able to say the exact thing you planned, anxiety can worsen. 

Others might only participate in social events with a trusted friend. While this might be helpful at first, it becomes a safety behaviour if you become dependent on it and struggle participating on your own. 

Some young people find themselves relying on alcohol or other substances in order to feel comfortable with others. This can lead to addiction and other physical and mental health problems.

In order to feel less anxious long term, it is helpful to move away from these behaviours. Learning that you can get by without them and still achieve comfortable, spontaneous social interactions will help give you confidence. 

By trying small experiments where you let go of your habit – even just a little bit – eventually you are likely to find out that it’s not necessary.

Recovering from social anxiety isn’t easy, but it is certainly possible. The tips above are based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a scientifically proven technique for overcoming social anxiety. If you would like more support of this kind, consider reaching out to a CBT practitioner in your area. 

You can also find many helpful techniques for managing anxiety in the Mind Ease app.